My take on life.
Some things are not meant for humans to find.
Especially not in their homes.
Especially not in their kitchens.
And ESPECIALLY not when it's like 110% humidity outside, and you have no a/c!
This is where my story begins.
I come home from work today, Saturday, after a long 8 hour shift at the local data farm, to discover something slightly amiss. I put my stuff down and went to sit down and thought to myself: "gee, that's an unusual smell" but I couldn't tell if it was coming from in here or not, as I have the fans going all day blowing air inside and around the apartment in an only slightly successful attempt to make the atmosphere in here suitable for sustaining life in this hot, humid weather.
Anyways, after a quick survey of the place, I determined the smell seemed to appear only around the kitchen area... but that can't be right, I just cleaned the kitchen like three days ago, and have been working the nights since then, so it hasn't been really used much, and there are only a few dishes in the sink. So I quickly did a sniff check of the obvious places, like the sink, stove, fridge and freezer and everything seemed ok. I was about to dismiss it as stale air combined with the humidity (the kitchen doesn't get any of the circulated air from the fans at all) when I remembered something.
The cupboards under the sink had always had a slight rank and funny smell to them, something I haven't been able to find the source of, despite a few attempts. Maybe the heat and moisture was just making it worse? Maybe now I could at last find the source of this mild odor and eliminate the problem. Craig, you sly dog you, you'll get to the bottom of this in no time, and you'll be a hero for your deeds.
Fool.
Now, before I continue, I just want to clarify a few things. My sense of smell isn't exactly what you would call sensitive. I mean I can smell things just fine, but often very subtle smells escape my notice, and after cleaning out the fridge a few times over the years, I can safely say I have a much higher tolerance for stinky things than say... some other people I know. So wasn't really worried (or prepared) for whatever could be there.
So I reach down and open the cupboard door, leaned down and gently inhaled to sample the local scenery. I've never recoiled from anything so fast in my life. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL? is about all that went through my head for the next few moments as my mind attempted to recover from the shock and I tried to figure out how a whale had died under my sink six weeks ago without me realizing. After a second or two I noticed two plastic bags at the bottom of the cupboard containing last week's remaining regular and sweet potatoes.
At least, that's what USED to be in them. The sweet potato had flattened to about a quarter of its size and was sitting in a small puddle of brown liquid. The only reason the puddle was small, was because there happened to be a cloth next to it, which was supposed to be a nice light blue plaid colour, except now it was BLACK. But that was the clean side. The other bag of potatoes no longer contained potatoes , but instead was a quarter full of a very dark, watery liquid.
The potatoes had melted.
I didn't even know this was physically possible. I've seen potatoes sprout, mold, dry out or get squishy before, but nothing like this. There was almost more liquid in there than solids, and the solids weren't very solid at all. I immediately went to dispose of the bag of death, but as soon as I moved it, I discovered that because it was the bag the potatoes came it, IT WAS FULL OF HOLES. As soon as I moved the bag from the cupboard, a stream of dark green watery.. substance spilled out onto the kitchen floor.
Oh.
My.
God.
All the smells before this point in time suddenly meant nothing, as I was instantly treated to the single most rancid, rotting smell of anything I ever smelled in my entire life. I'm not kidding. I've seen entire dumpsters of garbage open and in the sun that have smelled better than this. And it was now on my floor. Whatever this stuff was, it was not from this Earth, and in NO WAY could it have come from the delicious potatoes that resided there only days before. After searching for any kind of term to describe this violation of life and nature, I came to only one conclusion. It smelled like DEMON PISS. I could only conclude that some kind of demon, possibly even Satan himself had for some reason, snuck into my kitchen while I was at work and pissed on my potatoes.
But that's not all. Thanks to the clever addition of holes to the bag of potatoes, the lovely Satan sauce had spilled around and under several other items nearby, including my giant woven bag of rice. You know those huge bags with the rooster on them that cost like $20? Yea, one of those. NO! I JUST BOUGHT THAT LIKE A FEW MONTHS AGO! IT'S ALMOST FULL! My mind screamed as I dragged the bag out, noticing the long trail of slime underneath it. I cleaned off the bottom only to find that the vile substance had indeed violated the woven plastic fibers and poisoned my supply. :(
After some examination, I took the first 3/4 of the bag into separate containers and was forced to discard the final 10" or so of rice.. my poor rice :(
After all is said and done though, the area under the sink is now as clean as it will ever be, and I now have containers of rice stashed all over my kitchen.
I hope we all can learn something from this.
Especially not in their kitchens.
And ESPECIALLY not when it's like 110% humidity outside, and you have no a/c!
This is where my story begins.
I come home from work today, Saturday, after a long 8 hour shift at the local data farm, to discover something slightly amiss. I put my stuff down and went to sit down and thought to myself: "gee, that's an unusual smell" but I couldn't tell if it was coming from in here or not, as I have the fans going all day blowing air inside and around the apartment in an only slightly successful attempt to make the atmosphere in here suitable for sustaining life in this hot, humid weather.
Anyways, after a quick survey of the place, I determined the smell seemed to appear only around the kitchen area... but that can't be right, I just cleaned the kitchen like three days ago, and have been working the nights since then, so it hasn't been really used much, and there are only a few dishes in the sink. So I quickly did a sniff check of the obvious places, like the sink, stove, fridge and freezer and everything seemed ok. I was about to dismiss it as stale air combined with the humidity (the kitchen doesn't get any of the circulated air from the fans at all) when I remembered something.
The cupboards under the sink had always had a slight rank and funny smell to them, something I haven't been able to find the source of, despite a few attempts. Maybe the heat and moisture was just making it worse? Maybe now I could at last find the source of this mild odor and eliminate the problem. Craig, you sly dog you, you'll get to the bottom of this in no time, and you'll be a hero for your deeds.
Fool.
Now, before I continue, I just want to clarify a few things. My sense of smell isn't exactly what you would call sensitive. I mean I can smell things just fine, but often very subtle smells escape my notice, and after cleaning out the fridge a few times over the years, I can safely say I have a much higher tolerance for stinky things than say... some other people I know. So wasn't really worried (or prepared) for whatever could be there.
So I reach down and open the cupboard door, leaned down and gently inhaled to sample the local scenery. I've never recoiled from anything so fast in my life. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL? is about all that went through my head for the next few moments as my mind attempted to recover from the shock and I tried to figure out how a whale had died under my sink six weeks ago without me realizing. After a second or two I noticed two plastic bags at the bottom of the cupboard containing last week's remaining regular and sweet potatoes.
At least, that's what USED to be in them. The sweet potato had flattened to about a quarter of its size and was sitting in a small puddle of brown liquid. The only reason the puddle was small, was because there happened to be a cloth next to it, which was supposed to be a nice light blue plaid colour, except now it was BLACK. But that was the clean side. The other bag of potatoes no longer contained potatoes , but instead was a quarter full of a very dark, watery liquid.
The potatoes had melted.
I didn't even know this was physically possible. I've seen potatoes sprout, mold, dry out or get squishy before, but nothing like this. There was almost more liquid in there than solids, and the solids weren't very solid at all. I immediately went to dispose of the bag of death, but as soon as I moved it, I discovered that because it was the bag the potatoes came it, IT WAS FULL OF HOLES. As soon as I moved the bag from the cupboard, a stream of dark green watery.. substance spilled out onto the kitchen floor.
Oh.
My.
God.
All the smells before this point in time suddenly meant nothing, as I was instantly treated to the single most rancid, rotting smell of anything I ever smelled in my entire life. I'm not kidding. I've seen entire dumpsters of garbage open and in the sun that have smelled better than this. And it was now on my floor. Whatever this stuff was, it was not from this Earth, and in NO WAY could it have come from the delicious potatoes that resided there only days before. After searching for any kind of term to describe this violation of life and nature, I came to only one conclusion. It smelled like DEMON PISS. I could only conclude that some kind of demon, possibly even Satan himself had for some reason, snuck into my kitchen while I was at work and pissed on my potatoes.
But that's not all. Thanks to the clever addition of holes to the bag of potatoes, the lovely Satan sauce had spilled around and under several other items nearby, including my giant woven bag of rice. You know those huge bags with the rooster on them that cost like $20? Yea, one of those. NO! I JUST BOUGHT THAT LIKE A FEW MONTHS AGO! IT'S ALMOST FULL! My mind screamed as I dragged the bag out, noticing the long trail of slime underneath it. I cleaned off the bottom only to find that the vile substance had indeed violated the woven plastic fibers and poisoned my supply. :(
After some examination, I took the first 3/4 of the bag into separate containers and was forced to discard the final 10" or so of rice.. my poor rice :(
After all is said and done though, the area under the sink is now as clean as it will ever be, and I now have containers of rice stashed all over my kitchen.
I hope we all can learn something from this.
posted by Kraven | 7/16/2005 06:37:00 PM
3 Comments:
Well, in my currebt state of mind, I'd be inclined to say it was...
Lord Voldemort--runiner of rice and potato liqifier.
Thank you for my laugh of the day and you might want to hang a cross in your kitchen.
Oh hello there my dear!
I'm sooooooo soooooo sorry you had to deal with that. :(
Maybe what we can learn is a) don't buy too many potatoes in summer and b) put them in a dark plastic container or something where we can see them and won't forget about them?
*love*
Post a Comment
<< Home